It's been a very long time since I had the courage to write anything truly personal here. As I've hinted at before, this year has been an achingly difficult one, and I have had to endure some incredibly difficult situations that have ripped open excruciatingly painful wounds from the past, particularly from my childhood. The truth of it all is that I can't – even for myself – find the words to express or sort through the emotional responses to this year.
I hope one day to be able to share without reservation my experiences in order to help those in similar circumstances, but today the pain is too raw and close, and words fail me. (Update: I have told my story here.)
We all have been in the midst of difficult situations – every last one of us. We are human, after all, and life is made of challenges to be overcome. Along the way we learn things, messages introduced when battling obstacles. In good moments, we tell ourselves that we are strong and resilient; in moments of fear or disappointment we whisper negative things to ourselves, words like "failure" and "incompetent". And the funny thing is that, the longer we tell ourselves these unhappy things, the more firmly we come to believe it, regardless of whether or not it was ever true.
What have you been telling yourself, love? On my worst days, I find myself believing that I am stupid, unappreciated, invisible, and completely alone. I have felt guilty and angry and ashamed and unloveable. And I have cried many, many tears.
The reason I'm sharing this today is that I believe I am not alone in this inner struggle. This world can be harsh sometimes, and, I think, often leads us to think that if we are not perfect – if we are not skinny, tall, tan, young, brown-eyed, blue-eyed, or green-eyed enough; if we can't paint like Rembrandt or van Gogh; if we aren't that blogger who posts every other day with stories from an impossibly perfect life; if we don't have smooth, glowing skin; if we can't find love; if we have bad hair days; if we have troubles and concerns and worries – if we aren't perfect enough, then we're not good enough.
If you, sweet reader, have been struggling silently with these doubts about your own worth, I have a message for you, one that is far greater than any negative whisper you have ever told yourself. This message doesn't come from me, but from all the love that makes up this beautiful Universe, something eternal and ever present, something that speaks only truth. It's a message just for you, darling.
You are loved.
You – sweet, strong, kind, creative you – are perfect.
You are good, and whole, and you are on the right path.
You are enough.
And all the love that makes up everything, the love that coaxes flower petals from tight buds, that makes the stars twinkle and the cicadas sing, that brings hope and joy and comfort to people around the globe, this love is enveloping you, holding you tightly in a big bear hug and filling you up with happiness and peace. It is holding you, now and always.
Breathe it in, beautiful. Trust it.
Everything is going to be alright.