Hello once again, lovelies! Happy New Year! I hope that your holidays were magical and that you are jumping into 2011 with exuberance and sparkling eyes.
I've tried several times in the past few days to begin this post. The new year has arrived and we are already midway through January, yet my mind is still in 2010. I have come to realize that, in order to move forward and to be able to properly embrace the future, I must be more honest with myself, both in the real world and in this space.
You see, the past few months things have not been happy ones – in fact, they have been very dark and difficult. In an attempt to think positively and to refrain from bogging others down with my troubles, I have neglected to bring these frustrations into this space. I feel, however, that I am not representing myself accurately, and have found that my ability to blog has been completely blocked; trying to a faux picture of myself (an eternally happy, positive, growing self) while feeling less than okay is damaging and bars my ability to be creative. I have realized that to try to completely ignore the negative is just as harmful as succumbing to it; as always, balance is the key.
The year 2009 was one of imprisonment. I felt confined, stuck, and smothered in my town and my life, unable to help myself or to find a way to escape. This past year has been entirely different; my everyday reality has gone from inertia to ever-increasing, overwhelming momentum. Within a single year I have moved from home to a new city to a new state, fought countless obstacles, experienced extreme emotional highs and lows, and have plunged once again into the academic world. My family is shifting and has been a huge source of strain; my mother is engaged and has just moved in with her fiancé, and I have had to move with her - my home has disappeared and struggling to readjust has become a constant in my life. A difficult past has complicated matters and causes emotions to run very high.
Life has gone from zero to sixty so quickly that I am still trying to process things that happened months ago. I have been unable to paint, journal, or take photos due to my academic workload and preoccupation with a incredibly complicated and dysfunctional personal life, and there were moments where I was under such mental strain that I became physically ill. In general, 2010 caused many tears and has left me feeling raw, vulnerable, and fragile.
Challenging moments are a part of life, but acknowledging the negative things releases me from them. In being more honest with myself and others while refusing to dwell on dark days allows me to move forward into the sunlight and adopt a fresh, clear perspective - for the time being, at least.
Ahhh. I feel better already. Here's to a new beginning!